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Misc Jokes

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Joke: What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
Punch Line
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Joke: When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
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When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors. Joke Meme.
Joke: Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.
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Joke: The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.
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Joke: Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.
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 Joke Meme.
Joke: Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, yeah, up to a point."
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Joke: I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
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Joke: When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
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 Joke Meme.
Joke: I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
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Joke: I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!
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Joke: Sometimes it takes me eight hours to get nothing done.
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Joke: It's autumn. My wife asked me why I won't rake the leaves?. I said, "It's because they're called leaves. If they were called pick-me-ups I would pick them up, but they're called leaves so I leave them."
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Joke: Stop blaming everyone for all your problems...
Punch Line
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Joke: A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'.The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in..' 'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog. There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked. This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
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Joke: I know I shouldn't have, but I am old and I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again, Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
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Joke: I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.
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Joke: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Punch Line
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Joke: Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
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Joke: Did 3 laps around the gym today... Couldn't find a parking spot so I went home.
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Joke: Two mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, "I'm kind of scared out here." The other replies, "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
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