121 MISC JOKES

Joke: When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.

Joke: What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?

Joke: When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Joke: Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.

Joke: The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.

Joke: Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.

Joke: I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!

Joke: I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Joke: Why don't skeletons trust each other?

Joke: Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, yeah, up to a point."

Joke: Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Joke: I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Joke: Sometimes it takes me eight hours to get nothing done.

Joke: It's autumn. My wife asked me why I won't rake the leaves?. I said, "It's because they're called leaves. If they were called pick-me-ups I would pick them up, but they're called leaves so I leave them."

Joke: Stop blaming everyone for all your problems...

Joke: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Joke: I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.

Joke: Two mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, "I'm kind of scared out here." The other replies, "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

Joke: If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.

Joke: A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?