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Blonde Raking Leaves Joke

How did the blonde break both legs while raking leaves?

Safe Sex Joke

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot and killed by the woman’s husband.

Testicle Joke

"Well, Mr. Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and one testicle made of steel." "But that's impossible." Says Mr. Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have two perfectly healthy children." "How old are your children?" "Well, Pinocchio is 6 and Terminator is 7."

Nursing Home Joke

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

Old Married Couple Joke

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Glasses And Mask Joke

If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

Birds And Bees Joke

I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to be able to explain the birds and the bees... The bees & the bees... The birds and the birds... The birds that used to be bees... The bees that used to be birds... The birds that look like bees... Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!

Disable Autocorrect Joke

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Blonde Sitting At A Bar Joke

Blonde sitting in a bar wondering why she only has 3 sisters, when her brother has 4.

Marriage And Math Joke

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning. My dear wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 57 years old can no longer satisfy am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that l will be spending the evening with my 19-year-old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don’t be upset-l shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night he found the following note on the dining table. My dear husband I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old As you know am a math teacher at our local college I would like to inform you that while you read this l will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and like your secretary is 19 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference 19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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