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Joke: Tips for winter driving. 1) Install winter tires. 2) Drive south. 3) Continue until you see palm trees. 4) Apply brakes and sunscreen.
Joke: How to you find Will Smith in the snow?
Joke: I was reading a book about lubricants... It was non-friction.
Joke: I love cheesy jokes about eyes... The cornea the better!
Joke: My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.... It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe leannnnn!
Joke: Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Joke: Why did the snow plows ask for a raise?
Joke: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
Joke: Why are they called humming birds?
Joke: What does a caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Joke: What do you call an avocado in church?
Joke: Where did George Washington get his hatchet?
Joke: I'm actually pretty good in bed. I hardly ever fall out anymore.
Joke: My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian... I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.
Joke: I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!
Joke: My wife and I were really happy for 22 years... Then we started dating.
Joke: Who is the most famous married woman in The United States?
Joke: I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it. So tonight I'm going to try a fig.
Joke: How late do cows stay up?
Joke: Why are there Pop-tarts but no Mom-tarts?
Joke: Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
Joke: What do road crews use at the North Pole?
Joke: Ladies, if he is... is hot, always smells good, makes your mouth water, tastes amazing, leaves you feeling happier than ever... That's not your man. That's a taco!
Joke: A pirate goes to the doctor's and says, "I have moles on my back!" The Doctor: "It’s ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again! I think there be ten!"
Joke: When are relationships like algebra?
Joke: Who hides in the bakery at christmas?
Joke: Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii... Or just a low ha?
Joke: What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Joke: Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the world today were born in the 21st century... They're millennial falcons!
Joke: What did the flag say to the flagpole?
Joke: When I was young, air at gas stations was free. Now they charge $1.50... That's inflation for you!
Joke: Did you know... Sharks will only attack you when you're wet?
Joke: Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Joke: What do you call a dog that won't fetch or listen?
Joke: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
Joke: What did the horse say when it fell?
Joke: What did the monkey say to the banana?
Joke: Did you know babies are born with four kidneys?
Joke: What do lemons say when they answer the telephone?
Joke: Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.
Joke: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
Joke: What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?
Joke: If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
Joke: It's been six months since I joined the gym and still no progress. I'm going there tomorrow to find out what's going on.
Joke: I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!
Joke: The biggest bra made for horses... Is the Z-bra!
Joke: A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!
Joke: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
Joke: What do dinosaurs use on the floors of their kitchens?
Joke: I have a chicken-proof lawn... It's impeckable!
Joke: My wife had her driving test today. She got eight out of ten. The other two jumped out of the way!
Joke: So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue-ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. ???? I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me ????) Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
Joke: Comic sans implies the existence of tragic sans.
Joke: I’ve started my new job at the toy warehouse. There are only two of us that work on a production line for Dracula figures. I have to make every second count.
Joke: Did you hear about the circus fire?
Joke: Why are pigs bad drivers?
Joke: I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!
Joke: What did the turkey say to the computer?
Joke: A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies of their own, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said. "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Joke: Men are like shoelaces, they go through many holes before they tie the knot.
Joke: As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Joke: Hey, did you hear about the experiment where they blessed the rains down in Africa?
Joke: My kids were very upset when our bunnies escaped. They're too young to deal with hare loss.
Joke: When does a joke become a dad joke?
Joke: Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. I'm not having the same results.
Joke: Hey, that's not a dad bod... It's a father figure!
Joke: I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall!
Joke: Why can't a mountain get stronger?
Joke: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
Joke: How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Joke: Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negatives?
Joke: Did you hear about the dog that ate the Scrabble tiles?
Joke: How do trees access the internet?
Joke: What do you call a pig thief?
Joke: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
Joke: If you advertise used grapes... Is that raisin awareness?
Joke: What’s faster hot or cold?
Joke: Once there was a dog who had lost his back leg in an accident. This leg was replaced with a rubber one. Unfortunately, one day he started scratching all his body with the rubber leg, and he disappeared...
Joke: I hired a handy man and gave home a list of jobs to do. When I got home, only #1, #3 and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Joke: An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on "Take your kid to work day." As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. He father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly; "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
Joke: Standing on the edge of the lake, someone shouted across "How do you get to the other side?"
Joke: Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?
Joke: What did Batman do in the bathroom?
Joke: Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.
Joke: What did Tennessee?
Joke: Why do women have small feet?
Joke: Where do Elves go to vote?
Joke: I was drinking a margarita at a bar when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet!" and we all laughed and laughed. Well. except one guy.
Joke: I told my son he couldn't watch the orchestra anymore and he asked why? Because there's too much sax and violins!
Joke: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Joke: I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
Joke: There is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator... And only a fraction of people can understand that.
Joke: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Joke: Why shouldn't snowmen get angry?
Joke: What happens when a frog illegally parks?
Joke: We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Joke: Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
Joke: What kind of wave do tiny surfers ride?
Joke: A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad home?", asked the farmer. "No, they went to town.", the boy answered. How about your brother, Howard? asked the farmer. "No, he went to town with mom and dad.", answered the boy. The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy said, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well", said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant." The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charged $500 for bulls and $150 for pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Joke: David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."