299 ANIMAL JOKES

Question 1

Cat's Favorite Nursery Rhyme Joke

What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?

Question 2

Polar Bear Favorite Food Joke

What do polar bears like to eat?

Question 3

Horse Sport Joke

What sport do horses like playing the most?

Question 4

How Do You Get A Squirrel To Love You Joke

How do you get a squirrel to love you?

Question 5

What Do Scientist To With Dog Bones Joke

What do scientist to with dog bones?

Question 6

Magic Dog Joke

What do you call a magic dog?

Question 7

Patriotic Parrot

Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot. As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did. Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!"

Question 8

The Same Egg

Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. "Out here in California," said one, "I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over." "That's nothing," said the farmer from Iowa. "Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!"

Question 9

Bear Paw Pun

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."

VOTE

Question 10

Horse Injury Pun

A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.

Question 11

Dogs Can't Read

Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!

Question 12

Karate Pig Joke

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Question 13

Crocodile With GPS Joke

What do you call a crocodile with GPS?

Question 14

Rabbit With Fleas Joke

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Question 15

Pig With Laryngitis Joke

Did you hear about the pig with laryngitis?

Question 16

Get A Mouse To Smile Joke

How do you get a mouse to smile?

Question 17

Pig's Secret Message

How do pigs send secret messages?

Question 18

Rabbits Walking Backwards Joke

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?

Question 19

Cats Favorite Color Joke

What's a cats favorite color?

Question 20

Cat The Doesn't Tell The Truth Joke

What do you call a cat that doesn't tell the truth?

Question 21

Pigeon And Woodpecker

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

Question 22

A Duck, Skunk And A Deer Go To Dinner

A duck a skunk and a deer when out to dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill.

Question 23

Detective Duck Joke

What was the goal of the detective duck?

Question 24

Sleeping With Pigs

I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!

Question 25

Baby Fish Sleep Joke

Where do baby fish sleep?

Question 26

Cross Bambi And A Ghost Joke

What Do You Get If You Cross Bambi With A Ghost?

Question 27

Construction Bird Joke

What kind of bird works at a construction site?

Question 28

Alligator Thief Joke

What do you call a thieving alligator?

Question 29

Coke Vs. Deer Testicles Joke.

What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?

Question 30

Tiger Stripes Joke

Why do tigers have stripes?

Question 31

Chip Monkey Joke

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

Question 32

Rudolph Christmas Reminder Joke

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

Question 33

Chicken Sandwiches Joke

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

Question 34

Himalayan Rabbit Stew Joke

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.

Question 35

Cow Farts

What does a cow's fart smell like?

Question 36

Crowbar Joke

A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Question 37

Three Little Pigs Joke

A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" "Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

Question 38

A Local Business Was Looking For Office Help...

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."

Question 39

Talking Frog Joke

A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Question 40

Jelly Fish Joke

What's in the middle of a jellyfish?

Question 41

Energizer Bunny Pun

Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Question 42

The Wife's Cat Joke

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Question 43

Penguin House

How does a penguin build its house?

Question 44

Pig Letters

What do you call pigs that write each other?

Question 45

Pig Tug Of War Joke

What do you call two pigs playing tug of war?

Question 46

Wolf Joke

When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Question 47

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?

Question 48

Animal Quackers

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Question 49

Frog Wear Joke

What do stylish frogs wear?

Question 50

Race Horses

Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Question 51

Beekeeper Joke

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Question 52

I Buy All My Weapons From A Guy Named T-REX Joke

I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!

Question 53

Raining Cats And Dogs Joke

Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

Question 54

Farmer Needs New Cows

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

Question 55

Koala Bear Joke

Why don't koala bears hang around other bears?

Question 56

Fish Wearing Bowtie Joke

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Question 57

Spider Using A Computer Joke

Why was the spider using the computer?

Question 58

Beaver Pun

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Question 59

Pig Soap Joke

Why did the pig hide the soap?

Question 60

Smart Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''

Question 61

Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Question 62

Canary Island Joke

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands... No canaries there either.

Question 63

Pet Store Pun

The local pet store is having a free giveaway on birds today...no perches necessary.

Question 64

Elephant Fart Joke

What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?

299 ANIMAL JOKES

Cat's Favorite Nursery Rhyme Joke

Polar Bear Favorite Food Joke

Horse Sport Joke

How Do You Get A Squirrel To Love You Joke

What Do Scientist To With Dog Bones Joke

Magic Dog Joke

Patriotic Parrot

The Same Egg

Bear Paw Pun

Horse Injury Pun

Dogs Can't Read

Karate Pig Joke

Crocodile With GPS Joke

Rabbit With Fleas Joke

Pig With Laryngitis Joke

Get A Mouse To Smile Joke

Pig's Secret Message

Rabbits Walking Backwards Joke

Cats Favorite Color Joke

Cat The Doesn't Tell The Truth Joke

Pigeon And Woodpecker

A Duck, Skunk And A Deer Go To Dinner

Detective Duck Joke

Sleeping With Pigs

Baby Fish Sleep Joke

Cross Bambi And A Ghost Joke

Construction Bird Joke

Alligator Thief Joke

Coke Vs. Deer Testicles Joke.

Tiger Stripes Joke

Chip Monkey Joke

Rudolph Christmas Reminder Joke

Chicken Sandwiches Joke

Himalayan Rabbit Stew Joke

Cow Farts

Crowbar Joke

Three Little Pigs Joke

A Local Business Was Looking For Office Help...

Talking Frog Joke

Jelly Fish Joke

Energizer Bunny Pun

The Wife's Cat Joke

Penguin House

Pig Letters

Pig Tug Of War Joke

Wolf Joke

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

Animal Quackers

Frog Wear Joke

Race Horses

Beekeeper Joke

I Buy All My Weapons From A Guy Named T-REX Joke

Raining Cats And Dogs Joke

Farmer Needs New Cows

Koala Bear Joke

Fish Wearing Bowtie Joke

Spider Using A Computer Joke

Beaver Pun

Pig Soap Joke

Smart Monkeys

Rude Parrot

Canary Island Joke

Pet Store Pun

Elephant Fart Joke

Animal Wig Joke

Seagulls

Kangaroo Joke

Two Dogs And A Cat Go To Heaven Joke

The Bottomless Hole

My Goldfish Died!

Pterodactyl Pun

Smater Than A Talking Parrot

Fish Joke

Crabs Joke

Man's Best Friend Fart Joke

Oyster Charity

Pooped On

Monkey And Bananas

A Monkey A Squirrel And A Bird Joke