302 ANIMAL JOKES

Question 1

The Nervous Squirrel

Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?

Question 2

Dogs Can't Read

Question 3

Mark The Hunter

Mark was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Mark decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Mark. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Mark soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Mark. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Mark thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Mark. Although he survived, it took several months before Mark fully recovered. Now Mark was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Mark, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

Question 4

Milkless Cow

If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure?

Question 5

Crocodile With GPS Joke

What do you call a crocodile with GPS?

Question 6

Cat's Favorite Nursery Rhyme Joke

What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?

Question 7

Rabbit With Fleas Joke

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Question 8

Pig With Laryngitis Joke

Did you hear about the pig with laryngitis?

Question 9

Get A Mouse To Smile Joke

How do you get a mouse to smile?

Question 10

Pig's Secret Message

How do pigs send secret messages?

Question 11

Rabbits Walking Backwards Joke

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?

Question 12

Baby Fish Sleep Joke

Where do baby fish sleep?

Question 13

Polar Bear Favorite Food Joke

What do polar bears like to eat?

Question 14

Cats Favorite Color Joke

What's a cats favorite color?

Question 15

Cat The Doesn't Tell The Truth Joke

What do you call a cat that doesn't tell the truth?

Question 16

Patriotic Parrot

Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot. As I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the "Star Spangled Banner," and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, "God Bless America," and it did. Interested, I asked the store owner, "What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot then yelled, "I'll fall off my perch, stupid!"

Question 17

Pigeon And Woodpecker

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

Question 18

A Duck, Skunk And A Deer Go To Dinner

A duck a skunk and a deer when out to dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the ducks bill.

Question 19

Karate Pig Joke

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Question 20

Detective Duck Joke

What was the goal of the detective duck?

Question 21

Sleeping With Pigs

I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!

Question 22

Construction Bird Joke

What kind of bird works at a construction site?

Question 23

Alligator Thief Joke

What do you call a thieving alligator?

Question 24

Here Is A Riddle

What sleep's with its shoes on?

Question 25

Coke Vs. Deer Testicles Joke.

What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?

Question 26

Tiger Stripes Joke

Why do tigers have stripes?

Question 27

Chip Monkey Joke

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

Question 28

Rudolph Christmas Reminder Joke

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

Question 29

What Do You Call A Blind Deer

What do you call a blind deer?

Question 30

Chicken Sandwiches Joke

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

Question 31

Himalayan Rabbit Stew Joke

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.

Question 32

A Local Business Was Looking For Office Help...

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."

Question 33

Cross Bambi And A Ghost Joke

What Do You Get If You Cross Bambi With A Ghost?

Question 34

Carrots Are Good For Your Eyesight

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

Question 35

Crowbar Joke

A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Question 36

Three Little Pigs Joke

A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" "Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

Question 37

Talking Frog Joke

A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Question 38

Jelly Fish Joke

What's in the middle of a jellyfish?

Question 39

How Do You Keep A Rhino From Charging

How do you keep a Rhino from charging?

Question 40

Dinosus

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Question 41

Cow Farts

What does a cow's fart smell like?

Question 42

Energizer Bunny Pun

Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Question 43

The Wife's Cat Joke

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Question 44

Penguin House

How does a penguin build its house?

Question 45

Pig Letters

What do you call pigs that write each other?

Question 46

Pig Tug Of War Joke

What do you call two pigs playing tug of war?

Question 47

Beekeeper Joke

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Question 48

Wolf Joke

When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Question 49

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?

Question 50

Animal Quackers

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Question 51

Beaver Pun

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Question 52

Frog Wear Joke

What do stylish frogs wear?

Question 53

What Happens When You Cross A Bulldog With A Shih Tzu

What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu?

Question 54

Raining Cats And Dogs Joke

Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

Question 55

I Buy All My Weapons From A Guy Named T-REX Joke

I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!

Question 56

Spider Using A Computer Joke

Why was the spider using the computer?

Question 57

Race Horses

Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Question 58

Koala Bear Joke

Why don't koala bears hang around other bears?

Question 59

Farmer Needs New Cows

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

Question 60

Pig Soap Joke

Why did the pig hide the soap?

Question 61

Canary Island Joke

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands... No canaries there either.

Question 62

Smart Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''

Question 63

Pet Store Pun

The local pet store is having a free giveaway on birds today...no perches necessary.

Question 64

Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. "May I ask what the turkey did?"

302 ANIMAL JOKES

The Nervous Squirrel

Dogs Can't Read

Mark The Hunter

Milkless Cow

Crocodile With GPS Joke

Cat's Favorite Nursery Rhyme Joke

Rabbit With Fleas Joke

Pig With Laryngitis Joke

Get A Mouse To Smile Joke

Pig's Secret Message

Rabbits Walking Backwards Joke

Baby Fish Sleep Joke

Polar Bear Favorite Food Joke

Cats Favorite Color Joke

Cat The Doesn't Tell The Truth Joke

Patriotic Parrot

Pigeon And Woodpecker

A Duck, Skunk And A Deer Go To Dinner

Karate Pig Joke

Detective Duck Joke

Sleeping With Pigs

Construction Bird Joke

Alligator Thief Joke

Here Is A Riddle

Coke Vs. Deer Testicles Joke.

Tiger Stripes Joke

Chip Monkey Joke

Rudolph Christmas Reminder Joke

What Do You Call A Blind Deer

Chicken Sandwiches Joke

Himalayan Rabbit Stew Joke

A Local Business Was Looking For Office Help...

Cross Bambi And A Ghost Joke

Carrots Are Good For Your Eyesight

Crowbar Joke

Three Little Pigs Joke

Talking Frog Joke

Jelly Fish Joke

How Do You Keep A Rhino From Charging

Dinosus

Cow Farts

Energizer Bunny Pun

The Wife's Cat Joke

Penguin House

Pig Letters

Pig Tug Of War Joke

Beekeeper Joke

Wolf Joke

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

Animal Quackers

Beaver Pun

Frog Wear Joke

What Happens When You Cross A Bulldog With A Shih Tzu

Raining Cats And Dogs Joke

I Buy All My Weapons From A Guy Named T-REX Joke

Spider Using A Computer Joke

Race Horses

Koala Bear Joke

Farmer Needs New Cows

Pig Soap Joke

Canary Island Joke

Smart Monkeys

Pet Store Pun

Rude Parrot

Elephant Fart Joke

Fish Wearing Bowtie Joke

Seagulls

Kangaroo Joke

Animal Wig Joke

My Goldfish Died!

Two Dogs And A Cat Go To Heaven Joke

Pterodactyl Pun

Smater Than A Talking Parrot

The Bottomless Hole

Fish Joke

Crabs Joke

Man's Best Friend Fart Joke

Why Don't Crabs Share

Oyster Charity