282 ANIMAL JOKES

Question 1

Pig's Secret Message

How do pigs send secret messages?

Question 2

Rabbits Walking Backwards Joke

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?

Question 3

Cats Favorite Color Joke

What's a cats favorite color?

Question 4

Cat The Doesn't Tell The Truth Joke

What do you call a cat that doesn't tell the truth?

Question 5

Pigeon And Woodpecker

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

Question 6

Detective Duck Joke

What was the goal of the detective duck?

Question 7

Sleeping With Pigs

I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!

Question 8

Baby Fish Sleep Joke

Where do baby fish sleep?

Question 9

Cross Bambi And A Ghost Joke

What Do You Get If You Cross Bambi With A Ghost?

Question 10

Construction Bird Joke

What kind of bird works at a construction site?

Question 11

Alligator Thief Joke

What do you call a thieving alligator?

Question 12

Coke Vs. Deer Testicles Joke.

What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?

Question 13

Tiger Stripes Joke

Why do tigers have stripes?

Question 14

Chip Monkey Joke

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

Question 15

Rudolph Christmas Reminder Joke

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

Question 16

Chicken Sandwiches Joke

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

Question 17

Himalayan Rabbit Stew Joke

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.

Question 18

Jelly Fish Joke

What's in the middle of a jellyfish?

Question 19

Cow Farts

What does a cow's fart smell like?

Question 20

Three Little Pigs Joke

A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" "Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

Question 21

A Local Business Was Looking For Office Help...

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."

Question 22

Talking Frog Joke

A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!

Question 23

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?

Question 24

Energizer Bunny Pun

Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Question 25

The Wife's Cat Joke

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Question 26

Penguin House

How does a penguin build its house?

Question 27

Pig Tug Of War Joke

What do you call two pigs playing tug of war?

Question 28

Pig Letters

What do you call pigs that write each other?

Question 29

Wolf Joke

When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

Question 30

Animal Quackers

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Question 31

Crowbar

A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Question 32

Frog Wear Joke

What do stylish frogs wear?

Question 33

Race Horses

Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Question 34

Beekeeper Joke

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

Question 35

I Buy All My Weapons From A Guy Named T-REX Joke

I buy all my weapons from a guy named T-REX... He's a small arms dealer!

Question 36

Koala Bear Joke

Why don't koala bears hang around other bears?

Question 37

Fish Wearing Bowtie Joke

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Question 38

Farmer Needs New Cows

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

Question 39

Spider Using A Computer Joke

Why was the spider using the computer?

Question 40

Raining Cats And Dogs Joke

Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

Question 41

Smart Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''

Question 42

Beaver Pun

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

Question 43

Pig Soap Joke

Why did the pig hide the soap?

Question 44

Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued. "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Question 45

Canary Island Joke

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands... No canaries there either.

Question 46

Pet Store Pun

The local pet store is having a free giveaway on birds today...no perches necessary.

Question 47

Elephant Fart Joke

What is the difference between a drinking establishment and an elephant's fart?

Question 48

The Bottomless Hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!" Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, it's moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!" So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and they decide to tell him what happened. "Hey, Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."

Question 49

Kangaroo Joke

What do kangaroos wear to work?

Question 50

Animal Wig Joke

What kind of animal needs to wear a wig?

Question 51

Seagulls

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Question 52

Two Dogs And A Cat Go To Heaven Joke

A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died. In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master." "Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side." "Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God. The doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master." "Aha," said God. "You may sit to my left." Then God looked at the cat and asked "And what do you believe in?" The cat replied, "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

Question 53

My Goldfish Died!

Little Lori was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lori?" "My goldfish died," replied Lori tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Lori patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Question 54

Pterodactyl Pun

The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.

Question 55

Smater Than A Talking Parrot

What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

Question 56

Fish Joke

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Question 57

Crabs Joke

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Question 58

Man's Best Friend Fart Joke

Why is the dog man's best friend?

Question 59

Oyster Charity

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Question 60

Monkey And Bananas

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Question 61

Pooped On

If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

Question 62

A Monkey A Squirrel And A Bird Joke

A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?

Question 63

Winter Is Coming

We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

Question 64

Horses Vs Cars Joke

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.

282 ANIMAL JOKES

Pig's Secret Message

Rabbits Walking Backwards Joke

Cats Favorite Color Joke

Cat The Doesn't Tell The Truth Joke

Pigeon And Woodpecker

Detective Duck Joke

Sleeping With Pigs

Baby Fish Sleep Joke

Cross Bambi And A Ghost Joke

Construction Bird Joke

Alligator Thief Joke

Coke Vs. Deer Testicles Joke.

Tiger Stripes Joke

Chip Monkey Joke

Rudolph Christmas Reminder Joke

Chicken Sandwiches Joke

Himalayan Rabbit Stew Joke

Jelly Fish Joke

Cow Farts

Three Little Pigs Joke

A Local Business Was Looking For Office Help...

Talking Frog Joke

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

Energizer Bunny Pun

The Wife's Cat Joke

Penguin House

Pig Tug Of War Joke

Pig Letters

Wolf Joke

Animal Quackers

Crowbar

Frog Wear Joke

Race Horses

Beekeeper Joke

I Buy All My Weapons From A Guy Named T-REX Joke

Koala Bear Joke

Fish Wearing Bowtie Joke

Farmer Needs New Cows

Spider Using A Computer Joke

Raining Cats And Dogs Joke

Smart Monkeys

Beaver Pun

Pig Soap Joke

Rude Parrot

Canary Island Joke

Pet Store Pun

Elephant Fart Joke

The Bottomless Hole

Kangaroo Joke

Animal Wig Joke

Seagulls

Two Dogs And A Cat Go To Heaven Joke

My Goldfish Died!

Pterodactyl Pun

Smater Than A Talking Parrot

Fish Joke

Crabs Joke

Man's Best Friend Fart Joke

Oyster Charity

Monkey And Bananas

Pooped On

A Monkey A Squirrel And A Bird Joke

Winter Is Coming

Horses Vs Cars Joke

What Did The Kitten Say When Its Cat Food Was Stolen Joke

Cat Vs Comma Joke

Cow With No Legs Joke

Cow Joke

Joke Search

Joke Categories

Contributors

Newsletter