100 BEST JOKES

Question 1

Wife Farts

My wife says her farts smell like flowers...

Question 2

I've Sure Gotten Old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

Question 3

Is God Real

A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"

Question 4

Pirate Movie

Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

Question 5

How To Catch Fog

I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

Question 6

Anti-Gravity Joke

I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.

Question 7

I See You And Jesus Sees You

A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big-screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you. "The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean-looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him, Jesus!", said the parrot.

Question 8

Never Hold Your Farts

Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine into your brain... and that's where crappy ideas come from.

Question 9

Mosquito Killer

Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.

VOTE

Question 10

Day 9 - Social Distancing

Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

Question 11

Don't Drink And Ride

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

Question 12

The Speed Of Light

Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Question 13

Constipated Composer

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

Question 14

Covid19 Shopping

They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

Question 15

Elevator Fart

I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Question 16

Psychic Joke

The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.

Question 17

Calendar Pun

Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.

Question 18

Frozen Windows Joke

A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".

Question 19

Healthy Salad

I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's

Question 20

Monkey And Bananas

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Question 21

Personal Liberties

Question 22

Your Momma So Fat...

Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.

Question 23

You Momma So Fat She Fell...

Yo mamma so fat she fell in love... and broke it.

Question 24

Fly Spray

Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.

Question 25

Russian Roulette Joke

Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.

Question 26

Pooped On

If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

Question 27

You Mama So Poor... Front Door

Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.

Question 28

Two Flies On A Turd

Two flies are eating a turd. One of them farts, and the other one says "Dude, gross. I'm eating."

Question 29

104 Years Old

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Question 30

As Stupid As You Look Joke

You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.

Question 31

Yo Momma Is So Fat That

Yo Momma is so fat... That when she put on a yellow jacket, kids tried to get her to go to school, because they thought she was the school bus.

Question 32

Movie Theatre Fart

An elderly couple is at the cinema. About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

Question 33

Wallet Fart

I farted in my wallet, now I have gas money.

Question 34

Dear Santa Joke

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Question 35

Yo Mamma So Dumb...

Yo mama so dumb when someone told her to speak her mind she was speechless.

Question 36

Hearing Aid Joke

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

Question 37

Yo Momma's Breath Smells So Bad!

Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth duck when she yawns!

Question 38

Stolen Credit Card

Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Question 39

Roman Numerals

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Question 40

Where Does Poo Come From?

My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

Question 41

Yo Mommas So Stupid Joke

Yo momma's so stupid, when they said "Drinks are on the house!" She went and got a ladder.

Question 42

Yo Mamma So Poor...

Yo mamma so poor that when I saw her kick a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing and she said,"Moving"

Question 43

Fat And Hairy

Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice.

Question 44

Hamberger's Girlfriend

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Question 45

Glass Coffins

Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.

Question 46

You Momma Is So Fat... The Ocean

Yo mama is so fat... She was about to jump in the ocean and the ocean jumped out and said you first.

Question 47

I Just Ate A Bunch Of Scrabble Tiles Joke

I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles accidentally... My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Question 48

You're So Stupid You...

You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!

Question 49

Pencil Pun

Broken pencils are pointless.

Question 50

Yo Momma Is So Fat She Has...

Yo momma so fat she has her own area code.

Question 51

Begger

A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.

Question 52

A Monkey A Squirrel And A Bird Joke

A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?

Question 53

Diet Donuts

I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!

Question 54

Make Yourself At Home

When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Question 55

Criminal Steals A Dress For His Wife Joke

A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."

Question 56

The Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.

Question 57

Winter Is Coming

We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

Question 58

A Pilot Flying A Small Plane Joke

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275-degree turn, and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"

Question 59

Home Alone Fart

If you're home alone and hear a fart, do you laugh or get scared?

Question 60

Yo Momma So Fat Her Blood Type Is...

Yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road.

Question 61

Yo Momma.. So Stupid

Yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower.

Question 62

Apple Store Fart

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.

Question 63

House Of Mirrors

Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the house of mirrors, it collapsed.

Question 64

Never Trust Atoms

Why should you never trust Atoms?

100 BEST JOKES

Wife Farts

I've Sure Gotten Old!

Is God Real

Pirate Movie

How To Catch Fog

Anti-Gravity Joke

I See You And Jesus Sees You

Never Hold Your Farts

Mosquito Killer

Day 9 - Social Distancing

Don't Drink And Ride

The Speed Of Light

Constipated Composer

Covid19 Shopping

Elevator Fart

Psychic Joke

Calendar Pun

Frozen Windows Joke

Healthy Salad

Monkey And Bananas

Personal Liberties

Your Momma So Fat...

You Momma So Fat She Fell...

Fly Spray

Russian Roulette Joke

Pooped On

You Mama So Poor... Front Door

Two Flies On A Turd

104 Years Old

As Stupid As You Look Joke

Yo Momma Is So Fat That

Movie Theatre Fart

Wallet Fart

Dear Santa Joke

Yo Mamma So Dumb...

Hearing Aid Joke

Yo Momma's Breath Smells So Bad!

Stolen Credit Card

Roman Numerals

Where Does Poo Come From?

Yo Mommas So Stupid Joke

Yo Mamma So Poor...

Fat And Hairy

Hamberger's Girlfriend

Glass Coffins

You Momma Is So Fat... The Ocean

I Just Ate A Bunch Of Scrabble Tiles Joke

You're So Stupid You...

Pencil Pun

Yo Momma Is So Fat She Has...

Begger

A Monkey A Squirrel And A Bird Joke

Diet Donuts

Make Yourself At Home

Criminal Steals A Dress For His Wife Joke

The Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Winter Is Coming

A Pilot Flying A Small Plane Joke

Home Alone Fart

Yo Momma So Fat Her Blood Type Is...

Yo Momma.. So Stupid

Apple Store Fart

House Of Mirrors

Never Trust Atoms

Round Room

You Momma So Dumb... Spelling Joke

Calendar Factory Joke

Why Did The Turkey Cross The Road?

Love Is Like A Fart.

Yo Momma So Stupi...

Snow Men Vs Snow Women Joke

Computer Hero Joke

Yo Momma So Ugly...

Horses Vs Cars Joke

Yo Momma Is So Fat She The Big...

Yo Momma Is So Fat When She Farts Joke

Addicted To Seaweed Joke

Pirate Joke ....

What Do The US Military And A Fart Have In Common Joke