Why aren't dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
My wife bought a Christmas cake last week and now we can't find it. I think it was stollen.
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" The doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
A husband and wife are at the grocery store. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks, "What are you doing?" He says, "The beer is on sale, 24 cans for $10." She says, "We can't afford that so put it back!" A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks, "What is that for?" The wife says, "It makes my face pretty." The husband replies, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price!"
I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.
How far can you run in the woods?
Halfway. If you go in any further, you’d be running out of the woods.
My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!
I broke my finger last week. . .
…On the other hand, I'm ok!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked at me a little perplexed and stared at me in silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Thinking a face mask is going to stop Corona Virus is like thinking you underwear will stop a fart.
Your momma is so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
Yo mamma so fat that when I swerved around her in my car, I ran out of gas!
Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle.
Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.
Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, yeah, up to a point."
Lance is a common name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
Little Lori was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lori?" "My goldfish died," replied Lori tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Lori patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
How do you confuse a stupid person?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed. It's not my fault they don't have Windows.
You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".
Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
4. Stay away from prunes.
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
15. Never try to baptize a cat.
Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."
A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity?
Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?
Student: The what?
Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.
Why did the bicycle collapse?
Because it was two tired.
I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.
It took longer than I thought it would.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
If you're home alone and hear a fart, do you laugh or get scared?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psycology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!" After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
I farted in my wallet, now I have gas money.
I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I should have never taken a couple days off.
I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.
Never hold in your farts. They travel up your spine into your brain... and that's where crappy ideas come from.
What degree did the butt get?
A Master of Fine Farts.
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me!
The other day I went to see a psychic. When I knocked on the door she shouted, "Who's there?" So I left.
Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.
A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."
I heard the more colorful your salad is, the better it is for you. So, I swapped my croutons for M&M's
What do you call a person who teaches you how to fart?
Why should you never trust Atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What is a pirates favorite fast food place?
A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big-screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you. "The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean-looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him, Jesus!", said the parrot.
When I go to someone else's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
Two flies are eating a turd. One of them farts, and the other one says "Dude, gross. I'm eating."
A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."
What does the Rabbi love even more than his shekels?
Why are hairdressers always on time?
Because they know all the short cuts!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said "concentrate."
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Yo mamma so dumb... She tripped over a cordless phone.
Why is the dog man's best friend?
So he has to have someone to blame the farts on.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken!
Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
What happens after NASA farts?
An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...
Just kidding, they know better.
A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".
Since light travels faster that sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why was Roger's math book sad?
It had too many problems!
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish his last movement.
A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.
I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!" The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?" Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"
What does the US military and a fart have in common?
I tried to catch some fog... I mist!
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"
A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.
An elderly couple are at the cinema. About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
My wife says her farts smell like flowers...
What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?
Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.
They said mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied, everyone else had clothes on.
If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!
My thesis on Orbital Flatulence took seven years of hard work. Well, that's what I tell everyone. I was really just farting around.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
I'd tell you a fart joke... But I've run out of gas.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.
My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?