A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
What happens when you give a politician viagra?
He gets taller.
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, " Pizza delivery guy"
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
B: None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
C: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
What follows a dog where ever it goes?
A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"
What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed?
A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?
None of them, because you can't get a banana from a coconut tree.
Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine? Husband: You've never been really skinny.
Time of death: 5/4/2020 4:30 PM. Cause of death: Coronavirus