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What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

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Joke:

What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

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What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?

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Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?

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Why are ghosts terrible liars?

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Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

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What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

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What do demons eat for breakfast?

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Why are skeletons so calm?

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Why do vampires need mouthwash?

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What did the Jack-O-Lantern say to the pumpkin?

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Why did the illiterate witch get kicked out of the coven?

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Where do ghost's go on vacation?

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What do skeletons travel around in?

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Why are graveyards so noisy?

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How do monsters like there eggs cooked?

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What's on the lunch menu at Monster School?

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Why are ghosts bad liars?

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What do you get if you cross a ghost with a sailor?

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Why don't mummies take time off?

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What did the ghost say to his wife?

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What did the skeleton say to the dog?

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What's a ghosts favorite dessert?

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What is a mummy’s favorite type of music?

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Why is Dracula so easy to trick on Halloween?

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Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

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How much does a skeleton weigh?

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Why did the headless horseman start his own business?

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What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

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Why are all mummies workaholics?

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How do you fix a damaged Jack-O-Lantern?

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What's a ghosts favorite food?

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What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

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Why did the ghost have to leave the halloween party?

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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on "Take your kid to work day." As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. He father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly; "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

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Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

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I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.

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When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!

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Put a glass of wine in each room of your house and call it a wine tour.

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I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while, they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding giddier, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little broom." "Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together yet!"

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No matter how bad your life is, just remember... There are people out there worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

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I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

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The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

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Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!" Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met." Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

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My friend was down in the dumps the other day so I let her color the tattoo on the top of my arm. She just needed a shoulder to crayon.

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An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space. "Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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Two Irishmen saw the sign "Tree fellers wanted". The first Irishman said, "If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job."

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Ran out of toilet paper today and now using lettuce. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife on the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's selling batteries." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the Seashore."

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A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink. The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?" The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry." The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The guy says, "Do you really think I asked for an eleven-inch pianist?"

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A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

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Joke:

My Wife's birthday is coming up in a few months. She's leaving jewelry catalogs around the house. Think I'll buy her a magazine rack.

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Joke:

How late do cows stay up?

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Joke:

We should ban jokes about clones... they're all the same!

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If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

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Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls have no standard interface." "They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."

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Does anyone know how to stop condensation in my home? Please call, the kettle is always on.

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I finally realized it. People are prisoners of their phones... that's why they are called Cell Phones!

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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I grounded him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly...

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At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing." the woman says, and she popped her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming women I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

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My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning. My dear wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 57 years old can no longer satisfy am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that l will be spending the evening with my 19-year-old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don’t be upset-l shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night he found the following note on the dining table. My dear husband I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old As you know am a math teacher at our local college I would like to inform you that while you read this l will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and like your secretary is 19 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference 19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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Blonde sitting in a bar wondering why she only has 3 sisters, when her brother has 4.

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Joke:

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

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I feel bad for parents nowadays. You have to be able to explain the birds and the bees... The bees & the bees... The birds and the birds... The birds that used to be bees... The bees that used to be birds... The birds that look like bees... Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!

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If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

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"Well, Mr. Brown." Says the doctor. "I have just discovered that you have one testicle made of wood and one testicle made of steel." "But that's impossible." Says Mr. Brown. "I've never had any operations and apart from that I have two perfectly healthy children." "How old are your children?" "Well, Pinocchio is 6 and Terminator is 7."

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot and killed by the woman’s husband.

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How did the blonde break both legs while raking leaves?

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Once upon a time there was a king who was only twelve inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

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How many feet in a yard?

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Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office. He was thrilled because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck. It wasn't long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. His supervisor didn't understand how he was capable of working so fast but didn't question it. The supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, Sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

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George an 83-year-old man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the garage stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is your garage detached from your house" and he said yes. Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply go back into his house, lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance showed up at George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Two windmills are in a field. One asks, "What kind of music do you like?" The other one says, "Well, I'm a big metal fan."

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I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress "Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?" She kicked me out and said, "The men I please are none of your business!"

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I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”

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My wife has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes. I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

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Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

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Quitting Is Easy, It's Not Starting Again That's Hard.

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Man to the ticket agent at the airport: "I'd like this bag to go to Cleveland and this bag to Tulsa. Ticket Agent: "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that. "Man to the ticket agent. "Why not, you did it last time?"

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Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story... A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

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I went to McDonald's and slammed ten bucks on the counter and said, "Surprise me! Because I never get what I ask for anyway!"

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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.

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A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."

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I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

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My whole life I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair... Somehow, I just knew.

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I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

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Me & my mates were at an Indian restaurant & some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them....We had a pilau fight.

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Why couldn't the young scallywag watch the newest Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

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I've no idea why my new plug in air freshener won't work, I plug it in and switch it on.. nothing!....It just doesn't make scents.

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I left my ex-girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.....I wonder what she's up to now?

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She said she missed me. Normally, that would be good... But she's reloading.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big-shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Now tell me, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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