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Finally! That new joke you have waiting on to brighten up your day and bring laughs to your friends and family! Be the first “joker” in your group to take a crack at these new jokes! Check back often as new jokes are added dailly. You may also be interested in ultimate jokes list or the highest rated jokes.
How many bites of the forbidden fruit did Adam and Eve take?
Four. Because it is the four-bitten fruit!
Two Irishmen were hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, Why are you throwing them away?" "Because, they're upside down", says Paddy. "You daft twat!", replies Murphy, "Save'em for the ceiling!"
Does anybody know if you need a current driver's license to drive an electric car?
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
A 72-year-old man had one hobby - he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.' With age - comes wisdom!
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands... No canaries there either.
I’ve just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered.
Has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice?
It doesn’t work but it stops them squeaking.
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.
Be careful when you eat at Sam and Ella's diner.
I hired a handy man and gave home a list of jobs to do. When I got home, only #1, #3 and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me". By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.
I wish I still had that igloo. But when I moved into it, my friends threw me a housewarming party. And I no longer had an igloo.
Why was the old woman forced to live in a shoe?
Because her ex-husband was a loafer.
What do you call a duck on the 4th of July?
A fire quacker.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."
Why are pirates great singers?
Because they hit the high C's!
Why can't you whisper in class?
Because it isn't allowed!
Who is the most famous married woman in The United States?
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
What's is a pirates favorite country?
How many feet are in a yard?
That depends on how many people are standing in it.
Dumb and Nobody are best friends. One day they decide to go for a bike ride. They start riding their bikes. Suddenly Nobody falls of his bike. Dumb calls the police and says: OH MY GOD!! Nobody fell of a bike!!! Police lady: What the heck? Are you dumb?
Once there was a dog who had lost his back leg in an accident. This leg was replaced with a rubber one. Unfortunately, one day he started scratching all his body with the rubber leg, and he disappeared...
How do you get an astronaut baby to sleep?
What do stylish frogs wear?
What do polar bears like to eat?
What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
Where do baby fish sleep?
In a bass-inet.
What is a monster's favorite dessert?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
What do you call someone who searches for paper towels?
A Bounty Hunter.
How did the baby know it was ready to be born?
It was running out of WOMB…
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
How do you make a tree-stand?
Take it’s chair away.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He refers to his calen-deer.
How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?
By icing it.
Where does Dad keep his Dad jokes?
In a Dad-a-base.
What’s faster hot or cold?
Hot, because everyone catches a cold.
What is a tree's favorite drink?
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
What are twins favorite fruit?
Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?
She is going to have her baby in the spring!
Why are tigers Christians?
Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?
Because she told him to go out and get her a baby monitor.
What do you call a funny mountain?
A banker gets into a car accident. He was driving his Ferrari, stopped, opened his door, and another car zoomed by, hit and ripped off the door. The banker jumps out of the car and shouts, "My Ferrari! My Ferrari!" A man is passing by and notes, "You bankers. You're all about money. You're worried about your Ferrari and not even noticing that your arm was ripped off along with that door." The banker looks at his missing arm and shouts, "My Rolex! My Rolex!!"
Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing up what I did yesterday.
There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Big Ones" was the wrong answer.
Why don't marketers like trampolines?
They're scared of high bounce rates.
An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads 1 for $3, 3 for $10. A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
I tried Wookie meat... It was Chewy.
Tweety: knock knock.
Sylvester: Who's there?
Sylvester: Gladys who?
Tweety: Gladys you and not that awful puddy tat!
I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!
My wife and I were really happy for 22 years... Then we started dating.
If you advertise used grapes... Is that raisin awareness?
What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?
Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
It's always 90 degrees.
What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Why were the two science books holding hands?
They had chemistry.
Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.
Why did the Tweety bird go the hospital?
Because he needed tweatment!
What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?
A wise quicker.
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. "Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions... Sometimes the special occasion is that you have a bottle of wine in the fridge!
Bubba and Johnny Ray were sitting on the from porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna to that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do What?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed!"
A 65 year old millionaire has married a beautiful 23 old model, You crafty old devil, says his friend, How did you manage to get a lovely wife like that? Easy, replies the millionaire, I told her I was 95...
It's gardening season. 6 weeks ago I planted my arse on the sofa. It's grown considerably
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" “There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't pee out of it," he replied......... The waiting room erupted in laughter!
A wise man once told his wife nothing, because he was a wise man.
Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?
Saturday night I was in a bar having a beer, minding my own business, when this big, hairy, mean, drunk biker dude gets in my face, and starts screaming "SUGAR IS THE ONLY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHERE THE S SOUNDS LIKE SH. AM I RIGHT?" I didn't want to cause any trouble, so i said "Sure."
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes police custody?
A small medium at large.
Did you know... Sharks will only attack you when you're wet?
The Flat Earth Society recently announced that they now have members all around the globe.
So you suffer from shyness? Do you wish you were sometimes more assertive? Ask you Doctor or Pharmacist about Tequila!
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Today I bought a donut without sprinkles... Diets are hard!
What is the worst thing you can hear on a golf course?
A) Cart paths only. B) No cart girl today. C) Snack bar's closed. D) Greens were just aerated. F) The single will be joining your group.
What's a golfer's favorite letter?
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
You have a hole in one!
What is the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth put!
How do pigs send secret messages?
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What day of the week does a potato hate the most?
Why didn't the lamp sink?
It was too light!
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, he croaks every night!
What do you call a computer hero?
A screen saver!
What kind of animal needs to wear a wig?
A bald eagle!
How did the computer die?
With a key stroke!
What do you get from a pampered cow?