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That's My Car!

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months." "What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "You're right. It's mine."

Gold Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful. "For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?" "What?" exclaimed the judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "after all, he knew exactly where it was."

Aerobic Instructors Joke

How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Existentialists

How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?

Birthday Presents

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Hillary? A Porsche? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Donnie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

An Italian Doctor Was Having...

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. "Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Sex Change

What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?

Everything But . . . .

I read all the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!

Cheerleader's Favorite Drink

What is a cheerleader's favorite drink?

Viral Virus

What did one virus say to the other virus?

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