JOKES INDEX

Question 1

Locked Out Of The House

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.

Question 2

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.

Question 3

Say Grace

Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.

Question 4

Never Done Anything Wild?

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, he's 95. We went to the food court to buy some lunch when we noticed a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look over and catch him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never did anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to prevent choking upon hearing his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Question 5

Dirty Cockroach

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed down everything and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Question 6

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

If someone in a Home Depot store

Offers you assistance and they don't work there,

You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation

With someone who dialed a wrong number,

You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere

South of Detroit for the weekend,

You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours,

You may live in Canada.

If you know several people

Who have hit a deer more than once,

You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'

In the same day and back again,

You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow

During a raging blizzard without flinching,

You may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,

But leave both unlocked,

You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car

And your wife knows how to use them,

You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume

To fit over a snowsuit,

You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --

You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,

You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter

Because the potholes are filled with snow,

You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter,

and road construction,

You may live in Canada.

If you have more miles

On your snow blower than your car,

You may live in Canada.

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',

You may live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes,

and forward them to all your friends,

you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

Question 7

Stupid And Beautiful

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me... God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Question 8

High School Reunion

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, "Surely, I can't look that old?". I was sitting in the waiting room, for my first appointment, with my new dentist. I noticed his diploma, on the wall, which showed his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall handsome boy who had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. I thought, "Could this be the same guy a had a secret crush on way back then?" Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. The balding, gray-haired man with a deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he attended my high school. "Yes. Yes, I did." he beamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "1959, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit old son-of-a-gun asked, "What class did you teach?"

Question 9

Constipated Composer

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

Question 10

Cow Joke

Why did the farmer take the cow to the psychiatrist?

JOKES INDEX

Locked Out Of The House

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

Say Grace

Never Done Anything Wild?

Dirty Cockroach

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

Stupid And Beautiful

High School Reunion

Constipated Composer

Cow Joke

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