Joke: If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.
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Joke: Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.
Punch Line
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Joke: Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.
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Joke: I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, he's 95. We went to the food court to buy some lunch when we noticed a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look over and catch him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never did anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to prevent choking upon hearing his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Joke: Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed down everything and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
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Joke:
If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada.
 
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you carry jumper cables in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you design your kid's Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.
 
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada.
 
If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada.
 
If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada.
 
If you actually understand these jokes,
and forward them to all your friends,
you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
 
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Joke: A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain... God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me... God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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Joke: Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, "Surely, I can't look that old?". I was sitting in the waiting room, for my first appointment, with my new dentist. I noticed his diploma, on the wall, which showed his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall handsome boy who had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. I thought, "Could this be the same guy a had a secret crush on way back then?" Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. The balding, gray-haired man with a deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he attended my high school. "Yes. Yes, I did." he beamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "1959, why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit old son-of-a-gun asked, "What class did you teach?"
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Joke: Did you hear about the constipated composer?
Punch Line
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Joke: Why did the farmer take the cow to the psychiatrist?
Punch Line
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