81 BAR & DRINKING JOKES

Question 1

Don't Drink And Ride

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

Question 2

Roman Numerals

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Question 3

Leprechauns

One day a man with a box walked into a bar. He sat down, opened the box, and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was a man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air. He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your wiener off." The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have wieners." Then the man said, "If you don't have wieners, then how do you pee?" "By spitting," said the leprechaun.

Question 4

Beer And Beans.

I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans. I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

Question 5

Crowbar

A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

Question 6

A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannonball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "What about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Question 7

Stopped Drinking Coffee

I found that I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

Question 8

Three Little Pigs Joke

A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. Another pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. A third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. "Wait," says the bartender, curious, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" "Nope," says the pig, "I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

Question 9

Jewish Bartender

What did the Jewish bartender do when he ran out of beer?

Punch Line

VOTE

Question 10

Self Testing For COVID-19

Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Question 11

Eleven Inch Pianist Joke

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink. The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?" The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry." The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The guy says, "Do you really think I asked for an eleven-inch pianist?"

Question 12

A Guy Sits Down At The Bar Joke

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Question 13

Saint Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser." "Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!" "Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Question 14

Get Me A Beer Joke

I trained my dog to fetch me a beer. It may not sound impressive, but he gets it from the neighbors fridge!

Question 15

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.

Question 16

A Trees Favorite Drink Joke

What is a tree's favorite drink?

Question 17

Termite Joke

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Question 18

Giving Up Drinking

I'm giving up drinking until this is over...

Question 19

Bear Paw Pun

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."

Question 20

Asphalt Pun

A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says "I'll take a beer ...and one for the road"

81 BAR & DRINKING JOKES

Bar & Drinking Jokes

Don't Drink And Ride

Roman Numerals

Leprechauns

Beer And Beans.

Crowbar

A Pirate Walks Into A Bar

Stopped Drinking Coffee

Three Little Pigs Joke

Jewish Bartender

Self Testing For COVID-19

Eleven Inch Pianist Joke

A Guy Sits Down At The Bar Joke

Saint Patrick

Get Me A Beer Joke

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

A Trees Favorite Drink Joke

Termite Joke

Giving Up Drinking

Bear Paw Pun

Asphalt Pun

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