JOKES INDEX

Joke: This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. "Well," they said, "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Joke: A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Joke: Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere - thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition - and those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why, I think it now should be pretty obvious to all, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

Joke: Why shouldn't the chicken cross the road?

Joke: A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''

Joke: A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. "How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!" "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's." "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Joke: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Joke: When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Joke: A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He just delivered the pizzas"

Joke: One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"