Joke: 1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. 4. Stay away from prunes. 5. Never pee on an electric fence. 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. 10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. 11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. 13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. 14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. 15. Never try to baptize a cat.
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Joke: A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys; they're assholes!"
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Joke: In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching." Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
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Joke: A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"
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Joke: A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Mikey to go outside and observe his surroundings. She then asked... "Mikey did you see the sky?" "Yes", said Mikey. "Did you see the sun?" "Yes", said the boy. "Did you see God?" "No", said the boy. The Teacher said, "So God really isn't there." A little girl started to ask Mikey some questions. "Did you see the sky?" "Yes" was the reply "Did you see the sun?" Again, "yes" was the answer. "Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!"
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Joke: A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. "Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?" "That's right son, why?" "Well that's just what they said at church today." "Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes." About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll be there in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. Once again mother said yes son. The little boy looked at her and said, "Then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!"
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Joke: A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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Joke: Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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Joke: Teacher asked, "Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?"
Punch Line
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Joke: A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.
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