The Joker

Joke: Tweety: knock knock. Sylvester: Who's there? Tweety: Gladys. Sylvester: Gladys who? Tweety: Gladys you and not that awful puddy tat!

Joke: What type a dog laughs at every joke?

Joke: The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Joke: I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Joke: I'm thinking about taking the wine box back to complain. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, it only lasted me 3 hours!

Joke: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Joke: I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!

Joke: PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!

Joke: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

Joke: Why was the old woman forced to live in a shoe?

Joke: Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

Joke: For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. - Frito

Joke: A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."

Joke: Little old lady calls the fire department, screams, come quick, my house is on fire! Man says, how do we get there? She says, don't y'all still have those big red trucks?

Joke: I went outside to check on my plants. I felt something cold and wet on my arm. I looked down and say a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me!

Joke: I shaved my head when I started going bald years ago, but I still carry a comb... I just can’t part with it.

Joke: An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space. "Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."

Joke: Did you know that fourteen muscles are activated when you open a bottle of wine? Fitness is my passion.

Joke: After losing in last night's Powerball, I've decided to declare myselft the winner and to file lawsuits until I win!

Joke: I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.

Joke: You might be a redneck if?

Joke: "Alexa, where's my dad?" Alexa, "Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas." "Ha! Gotcha, my dad is sitting right next to me." Alexa, "Your mom's husband is sitting right next to you. Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."

Joke: If you can't read it then pull the side of your eyes while reading it, like you are Japanese, it will come to you.

Joke: Here's a question for all you mindreader's out there.

Joke: Did you ever hear about the Ohno bird? It has two-inch long legs and a four-inch cock. Every time he lands you can hear him say "ohno ohno"

Joke: If each day is a gift, can we get a refund on the shitty ones?

Joke: Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.

Joke: Why were the two science books holding hands?

Joke: Why don't marketers like trampolines?

Joke: What do you call a group of lions marching in the savannah?