The Joker

Joke Count: 1231

Weight Loss

I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.

Whisper In Clas Joke

Why can't you whisper in class?

Wife Horoscope

A married man's honest confession... "I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of day I was going to have."

Gilligan Knew Better

Even on Gilligan's Island they listened to the professor not the 'millionaire'.

Blonde Teacher

What did the blonde teacher do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

Why Did The Cow Cross The Road Joke

Why did the cow cross the road?

Best Irish Toast Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Helping Out A Friend Joke

My friend was down in the dumps the other day so I let her color the tattoo on the top of my arm. She just needed a shoulder to crayon.

I'm A Pilot

You know how you can tell when there is a pilot in a room?

Cow Friday Nights Joke

Where do cows go on Friday nights?

Umbrella Joke

What should you do with all your spare umbrellas?

Tennessee Babies Joke

Deep In the backwoods of Tennessee, a man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes, he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The man scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

Rich Rabbit Joke

What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?

Retirement

How many days in a retiree's week? 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.
When is a retiree's bedtime? Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.
What's the biggest gripe of retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done.
Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? The term comes with a 10% discount.
Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Tied shoes.
Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time.
What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? NUTS!
Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal.
What is the best way to describe retirement? The never-ending Coffee Break.
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. And, my very favorite...
What do you do all week? Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Religious Right?

The religious right is neither.

A Horse Walks Into A Bar Joke

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender say, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure!"

Funny Farm Animals Joke

What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?

Three Trees And A Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"

What Kind Of Key Opens A Haunted House?

What kind of key opens a haunted house?

You Only Need Two Tools

You only need two tools in life... WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40... If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.

Mile Bath Pun

A lady goes to her dermatologist and he tells her to take milk baths for her skin condition. She goes to the grocery store and when an employee asks her if she needs help she explains that she needs enough milk to take a bath. The employee asked her if she wants pasteurized and she replies "no up to my shoulders should be fine".

Black Cat Bad Luck Joke

When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

What Is Draculas Favorite Fruit Joke

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

Chef Jokes

I am forever disappointed the Chef Boddy Flay didn't name his daughter Sue.

Big Flower Joke

What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Pregnant Bed Bug

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

What Kind Of Cars Do Cats Drive Joke

What kind of cars do cats drive?

If It's Not... Don't

If it's not yours, don't take it. If it's not true, don't say it. If it's not right, don't do it.

New Cuss Word

2020 should be a new cuss word like, "I don't give a 2020!"

No Fault Of Mine Joke

Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

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