The Joker

Question 1

Social Distancing Joke

How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.

Question 2

A Second Opinion

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

Question 3

Computer Password Joke

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "My penis" and the wife falls to the ground laughing, because on-screen it says, "Error, not long enough."

Question 4

Electrical Work Pun

It shocks me how bad I am at electrical work around the house.

Question 5

Air Freshener Pun

I've no idea why my new plug in air freshener won't work, I plug it in and switch it on.. nothing!....It just doesn't make scents.

Question 6

Water Bed More Bouncy Joke

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Question 7

Search And Rescue Joke

I heard on the news that Search and Rescue had plucked 2 stranded fishermen out of the ocean and were looking for their capsized boat. I thought, Gee, how are they ever going to find something that small.

Question 8

Karate Pig Joke

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Question 9

Lego Joke

Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

Question 10

Boiling Water Obituary Joke

Rest in peace boiling water... You will be mist.

Question 11

Dropped Your Laundry Joke

My wife has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes. I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

Question 12

Favorite Child Joke

It turns out that when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick from you own. I know that now.

Question 13

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Question 14

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather passed away, Allie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack when we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Allie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenuous, simple in wth the ding and out with the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued. "He'd still be alive if the ice-cream truck hadn't come along."

Question 15

Old Married Couple Joke

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Question 16

Butter Rumor

Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?

Question 17

Corporate Hierarchy Joke

A corporation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes!

Question 18

Sushi Talking To Bee's Joke

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Question 19

Disable Autocorrect Joke

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Question 20

How Does An Astronaut Cut His Hair On The Moon?

How does an astronaut cut his hair on the moon?

Question 21

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Question 22

Quit Drinking Joke

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Question 23

Killing Flies Joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Question 24

Mark The Hunter

Mark was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Mark decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Mark. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Mark soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Mark. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Mark thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Mark. Although he survived, it took several months before Mark fully recovered. Now Mark was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Mark, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

Question 25

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."

Question 26

Shared Amazon Account Joke

What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?

Question 27

Dark Spelled With A K

Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?

Question 28

Elephant And Naked Man Joke

You hear what the elephant said to the naked man?

Question 29

Time Travel Joke

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke ...but you guys didn't like it.

Question 30

Hekey Pokey Joke

I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

The Joker

Social Distancing Joke

A Second Opinion

Computer Password Joke

Electrical Work Pun

Air Freshener Pun

Water Bed More Bouncy Joke

Search And Rescue Joke

Karate Pig Joke

Lego Joke

Boiling Water Obituary Joke

Dropped Your Laundry Joke

Favorite Child Joke

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

Sunday Morning Sex

Old Married Couple Joke

Butter Rumor

Corporate Hierarchy Joke

Sushi Talking To Bee's Joke

Disable Autocorrect Joke

How Does An Astronaut Cut His Hair On The Moon?

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

Quit Drinking Joke

Killing Flies Joke

Mark The Hunter

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

Shared Amazon Account Joke

Dark Spelled With A K

Elephant And Naked Man Joke

Time Travel Joke

Hekey Pokey Joke

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