dennis

Joke: A pessimist sees a 1/2 full glass, as half empty. An optimist sees it as half full. And an engineer sees it as twice as big as necessary.

Joke: 2 atoms were walking down the street. One said to the other; "I just lost an electron!"..-"Are you sure?" asked the other. "Yes!. I`m POSITIVE!".

Joke: A man walks into the dentist's office one evening. "Doctor!, you must help me!" says he. "What's the problem?" asks the dentist. - "I think I'm a MOTH!" Says the man. "Oh what you need is a psychiatrist, not a dentist!" tells the dentist. "I know!" answers the man. "Then why did you come into my office?'' asks him dentist. "Because your LIGHTS were on!"..replies the moth man.

Joke: I am reading this awesome new book on anti-gravity..

Joke: What do you do if you get shipwrecked in the middle of the Ocean?

Joke: What do you call a guy who's crazy about breasts?

Joke: Anyone driving slower than you - is an IDIOT. Anyone driving faster than you - is a MANIAC.

Joke: Mike and his pal Tim were on a short visit to Mike's grandma. While Mike was in the kitchen chatting with her, Tim was in the living room - watching TV. Then he noticed a plate of peanuts on the coffee table.  He took it and started snacking on peanuts.  After a few minutes, Mike finished his chat with grandma and the boys started to leave. At the door, Tim shouted to her, but she still is in the kitchen, "Ma'am!, I ate some of the peanuts you had on the table. Thank you!". "Ooh!", granma replied joyfully. "I'm glad someone ate them. Because, since I lost all my teeth, I could not eat them anymore..All I could do is suck all the chocolate off of them!"

Joke: My doctor told me he`ll have me walking in 7 days...

Joke: How many Hillbillies does it take to eat a possum?

Joke: My church organist has HOTS for me. She kept chasing me around the church, till she caught me by the ORGAN!

Joke: Lawyer to James Cagney before his trial: "I think the best thing would be if you pleaded the fifth!"..- Cagney: ''I am not PLEADING the FIFTH - if I can TAKE it!"..

Joke: Why does a fart smell?

Joke: My father was GOP voter all his life, till he died. Then he started voting Democratic.

Joke: A Mexican Bandido crossed the border into the US, robbed a bank in a small town, and then slipped across the border back into Mexico. The sheriff of the small town went after him across the border. He trailed him tenaciously for several days and then cornered him in the cantina in a small town, not far from the border. After a brief struggle, the sheriff overpowered the robber, put his gun to the robber's head, and said: "Tell me where you hid the bank's money, or I'll blow your head off!" - But the Bandido did not understand English. But a Mexican guy in the cantina - who understood English, volunteered to be a translator. So he translated to robber what the sheriff said. "O.k., o.k., 1," Said Bandido in Spanish - "I hid the money in the hollow tree, by the road, outside the town!". "What did he say?" asked the sheriff. "He said; "Go ahead!, - You wouldn't dare kill me here in Mexico!" - Answered the translator.

Joke: How can you divide 12 in half and end up with 7?

Joke: Where ever there are 4 Irishmen together..There`s a 'FIFTH'..

Joke: Jethro to store cashier; "One of these toilet paper rolls will be for my family. And 3 for myself!". "Why is that?" Asks the cashier. "Because they're always telling me that I'm a big A-HOLE!". Answers he.

Joke: Some men learn by reading. Some learn by watching. Some by listening. And some men just got to pee on an electrified fence. OOUCH!

Joke: Dogs KNOW what they want. And when they get a little of it, they are happy. Cats DON`T KNOW what they want - but they want MORE of it.

Joke: The other day while lounging on the beach, I spotted a guy with a CORK stuck in his but... So I asked: "Hey buddy, how come you got cork stuck in your a**hole?".."I tell you how..." He replied, "Two mornings ago I was walking down this beach, and I saw a very old curious looking bottle on the sand. So I picked it up..and I opened it..And (( POOF!.)) - out of it came an old Jin. "For letting me out of my bottle, I will grant you one big wish!" Said he. And I said;' No S#iting!'".

Joke: The other day while walking down State Street in Chicago, I noticed a long line in front of a hot dog cart vendor. I said to him: "Wow!, your business must be booming. Look at all those customers waiting in line". He said: "Oh Nooo, they are not customers. They are responders to my 'Help Wanted" ad!'".

Joke: "I'm scared of high places, Doc!" - A lawyer was confiding in laments to his psychiatrist. "I am absolutely terrified of heights!'' reiterated he his problem.

Joke: If 2 vegetarians are arguing, is it o.k. to say, they are having a "BEEF"?...

Joke: Why are Democrat mothers so strong?

Joke: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Joke: What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dust, then crosses the road back again?

Joke: Kaz walks into the bar...goes over to the bartender, opens up his hand - full of dog poop, and says: "Hey Jerry! - Look what I almost stepped into!"