Joke: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.
Joke: A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl, both box seats! He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3 pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.
Joke: A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!" He did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
Joke: The difference between men and women is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed.
Joke: A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"
Joke: Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
Joke: A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
Joke: A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."
Joke: A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Joke: The graveyard service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
Joke: The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."
Joke: Jenny's husband, Jay, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Jay had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Jay even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Jay was too tired!"
Joke: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
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