39 NATIONAL JOKES

Question 1

A Mexican Magician Joke

A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said uno, dos, and poof he disappeared without a tres!

Question 2

Roman Numerals

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Question 3

Irish Chili Joke

Did you know that Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? If they added just one more, it would be too-farty!

Question 4

German Sausage Pun

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Question 5

German Sausage Joke

I love eating German sausage, but it always gives me the wurst farts.

Question 6

Gassy Greek

What do you call a gassy greek?

Question 7

Irish Carpenter Joke

Two Irishmen were hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, Why are you throwing them away?" "Because, they're upside down", says Paddy. "You daft twat!", replies Murphy, "Save'em for the ceiling!"

Question 8

Gassy Scotsman

what do you call a gassy Scotsman?

Question 9

Say Grace

Does your family say a prayer before you eat food? Nope, we're Italian, my mom knows how to cook.

VOTE

Question 10

Korean Martial Artist Joke

I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”

Question 11

Brief Fart

New Mexican word for today: Brief.

Question 12

Farting Russian

What do you call a farting Russian?

Question 13

Irish Furniture Pun

Who is Irish and sits outside all day?

Question 14

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

I went out for Chinese food last night and got chatting with the waiter. He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was "Chow Mein". I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?" To which he replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein"

Question 15

Two Italians On A Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Question 16

Crime And Punishment

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazonians. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazonians haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?" And he responds - "I'll take the Mexican!"

Question 17

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar Joke

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second, and on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can’t drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it’s not that!! I just gave up drinking."

Question 18

Athens Sunrise Pun

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Question 19

A Scotsman And His Wife

A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!" Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the hell..., I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again.

Question 20

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

If someone in a Home Depot store

Offers you assistance and they don't work there,

You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation

With someone who dialed a wrong number,

You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere

South of Detroit for the weekend,

You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours,

You may live in Canada.

If you know several people

Who have hit a deer more than once,

You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'

In the same day and back again,

You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow

During a raging blizzard without flinching,

You may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage,

But leave both unlocked,

You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car

And your wife knows how to use them,

You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume

To fit over a snowsuit,

You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --

You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,

You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter

Because the potholes are filled with snow,

You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter,

and road construction,

You may live in Canada.

If you have more miles

On your snow blower than your car,

You may live in Canada.

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',

You may live in Canada.

If you actually understand these jokes,

and forward them to all your friends,

you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

39 NATIONAL JOKES

National Jokes

A Mexican Magician Joke

Roman Numerals

Irish Chili Joke

German Sausage Pun

German Sausage Joke

Gassy Greek

Irish Carpenter Joke

Gassy Scotsman

Say Grace

Korean Martial Artist Joke

Brief Fart

Farting Russian

Irish Furniture Pun

I Was A Kamikaze Pilot

Two Italians On A Bus

Crime And Punishment

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar Joke

Athens Sunrise Pun

A Scotsman And His Wife

Jeff Foxworthy You Might Be Canadian

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