80 MARRIAGE JOKES

Question 1

Wife's Birthday?

My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?

Question 2

Criminal Steals A Dress For His Wife Joke

A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."

Question 3

The Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played a lot of golf, and drank beer and whiskey, and had loads of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever he wanted. The End.

Question 4

Stolen Credit Card

Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Question 5

What Is The Difference Between A Man Buying A Lottery Ticket And A Man Arguing With His Wife Joke

What is the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?

Question 6

Trophy Wife Joke

My friend has a trophy wife... Apparently, he didn't get first place.

Question 7

Had It All...

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

Question 8

The Wife Is Always Right

Nine out of Ten husbands agreed that their wives are always right... The 10th husband hasn't been seen since the study was conducted.

Question 9

Science Fiction

A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife." The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."

VOTE

Question 10

Ex Wife Joke

This was a terrible day. First my ex-wife got hit by a bus. Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.

Question 11

I Switched All The Labels On My Wife's Spice Rack...

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Question 12

Food That Causes Grief & Suffering

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!

Question 13

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.

Question 14

The Switch

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." Now God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Question 15

Do You Still Love Me?

My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.

Question 16

Marriage Tip

When your wife is mowing the lawn, that's probably not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

Question 17

Just Mopped The Floor Joke

A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."

Question 18

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on the neighborhood activities. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." He Shouted. He began his commentary as his parent put their a plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Smiths have company." He called out. "Noah's riding his new bike!" "Looks like the Stewarts are moving!" After a few moments... "Looks like the Robinson's are having sex!" Startled, his mom and dad sat up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Robinson is on his balcony with a popsicle."

Question 19

Do The Crime Pay The Time

An 80-year-old lady was arrested for shoplifting. Judge: "What did you steal?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her how many peaches were in a can? She replied, "Six." Judge: "Ok, I'll give you six days in jail." Before the judge could pronounce the punishment, the husband spoke up and said, "What about ht can of peas!"

Question 20

A Ladies Last Wish

One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap. Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says, Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. Ok, fine. So, the frog asks, what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous. You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me. What's your second wish? asked the frog. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer. That's ok she says. What's his is mine, what's mine is his. "OK", says the frog. What is your last wish? I want a mild heart attack.

80 MARRIAGE JOKES

Marriage Jokes

Wife's Birthday?

Criminal Steals A Dress For His Wife Joke

The Worlds Shortest Fairytale

Stolen Credit Card

What Is The Difference Between A Man Buying A Lottery Ticket And A Man Arguing With His Wife Joke

Trophy Wife Joke

Had It All...

The Wife Is Always Right

Science Fiction

Ex Wife Joke

I Switched All The Labels On My Wife's Spice Rack...

Food That Causes Grief & Suffering

Coffee Can Make You Aggressive

The Switch

Do You Still Love Me?

Marriage Tip

Just Mopped The Floor Joke

Afternoon Sex

Do The Crime Pay The Time

A Ladies Last Wish

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