118 HOLIDAY JOKES

Question 1

What Do They Sing To Christmas Trees At The Retirement Parties

What do they sing to Christmas trees at the retirement parties?

Question 2

Why Do Santa's Helpers Get Depressed

Why do Santa's helpers get depressed?

Question 3

Politics At Thanksgiving

Be sure to bring up politics during family Thanksgiving to save on Christmas gifts.

Question 4

Pumpkin Math

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Question 5

Clocks Go Back

Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!

Question 6

A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Question 7

Ghost Sailor Halloween Joke

What do you get if you cross a ghost with a sailor?

Question 8

Helping A Person In Need.

I will never help anyone again......EVER! I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too naive. Last night it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our hearts. We felt so sorry for him, poor thing was standing stiff and frozen out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him. The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the floor! That's the “thank you” I get for being good to people?!?!?! Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy-set, wearing nothing but a scarf and top hat, he has a carrot-like nose, two black eyes, and his arms are stick skinny. Don't bring him into your house! What a mess he made on the floor.

Question 9

Halloween Candy Joke

It's the time of the year when I get to pretend the five pounds of candy I'm buying is for Trick-or-Treaters.

VOTE

Question 10

What Is Draculas Favorite Fruit Joke

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

Question 11

Skeleton Go To School Joke

Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?

Question 12

Where Does Dracula Get His Hair Cut Joke

Where does Dracula get his hair cut?

Question 13

Santa Claus Pun

I never really believed in Santa, always was a rebel without a claus.

Question 14

Black Cat Bad Luck Joke

When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

Question 15

What Kind Of Key Opens A Haunted House?

What kind of key opens a haunted house?

Question 16

Trick Or Treating With Twin Witches Joke

What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?

Question 17

Declaration Of Independence Joke

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

Question 18

Santa’s Favorite Singer Joke

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Question 19

Dracula's Favorite Breed Of Dog Joke

What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?

Question 20

Monsters Favorite Play Joke

What's a monster's favorite play?

Question 21

What Did Dracula Suffer From After Biting A Snowman Joke

What did Dracula suffer from after biting a snowman?

Question 22

What Do You Call Dracula When Hes Shopping For Bargains Joke

What do you call Dracula when he's shopping for bargains?

Question 23

Christmas Flu

Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.

Question 24

Demons And Ghouls Joke

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Question 25

Witch Trick Or Treating Joke

What do witches put on to go trick or treating?

Question 26

Witches Favorite School Subject Joke

What's a witch's favorite subject in school?

Question 27

Halloween Up All Night Joke

What happens when you stay up all night on Halloween?

Question 28

A Room Ghosts Avoid Joke

What room do ghost avoid?

Question 29

Easter Bunny Music Joke

What kind of music does the Easter Bunny like?

Question 30

Halloween Mummy Joke

Why are all mummies workaholics?

Question 31

Kissed By A Vampire Joke

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

Question 32

Ghosts Are Terrible Liars Joke

Why are ghosts terrible liars?

Question 33

Ghost Call Mom And Dad Joke

What does a ghost call his mom and dad?

Question 34

Witch At The Beach Joke

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach?

Question 35

Skeleton Scary Movie Joke

Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie?

Question 36

Ghost In The Fog Joke

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

Question 37

Ghost Favorite Place To Live Joke

Where is a ghosts favorite place to live?

Question 38

Ghost Hockey Player Joke

What position does a ghost play on his hockey team?

Question 39

Whats Draculas Favorite Streaming Service Joke

What's Dracula's favorite streaming service?

Question 40

One Halloween Night....

One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

Question 41

Valentines Joke

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?

Question 42

Egg And Easter Bunny Joke

What did the egg say when the Easter Bunny told a joke?

Question 43

Easter Bunny Tail Joke

Where does the Easter Bunny go for new tails?

Question 44

Halloween Party Ghost

Why did the ghost have to leave the halloween party?

Question 45

Halloween Ghost Favorite Food Joke

What's a ghosts favorite food?

Question 46

Illiterate Witch Joke

Why did the illiterate witch get kicked out of the coven?

Question 47

Ghost Vacation Joke

Where do ghost's go on vacation?

Question 48

Noisy Graveyard Joke

Why are graveyards so noisy?

Question 49

Calm Skeleton Joke

Why are skeletons so calm?

Question 50

Vampire Breath Joke

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

Question 51

National Holiday For A Nation Of Vampires Jokes

What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

Question 52

Ghost Vacation Destination Joke

Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation?

Question 53

Chrome Plate Joke

A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Question 54

May Flowers Joke

If April showers bring May flowers what do may flowers bring?

Question 55

Anti-clockwise Watch

The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.

Question 56

Drunken Wrapper

Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if someone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back.

Question 57

Halloween Jack-O-Lantern Joke

How do you fix a damaged Jack-O-Lantern?

Question 58

Skeleton Halloween Joke

What did the skeleton say to the dog?

Question 59

Monster Cooked Eggs Joke

How do monsters like there eggs cooked?

Question 60

Skeleton Travel Joke

What do skeletons travel around in?

Question 61

Inside A Ghosts Nose Joke

What can you find in a ghost's nose?

Question 62

Gotta Tie?

A man's car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words : middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking... Three hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up. "Want to buy a tie?" he asked. "No! Water - quick, help, water." "Sorry, I've only got ties." and the man and roo bounded off. Hours later, the stranded man was still staggering along - desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him. "Water, help I need water." gasped the stranded man. "Oh, wouldn't you like to buy a tie?" said the mounted man. "No! Water - quick, help water!" "Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady - but can't help with water." and off he went. The man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the baked desert soil. Then he noticed a shimmering in the distance. It looked like a big building. He crawled slowly towards it even though he was sure it was a mirage. But the building became more and more solid looking. Could it be? Yes, it was a giant R.S.L. club there in the middle of nowhere. The man spent his last effort and crawled desperately to the door where he gasped to the doorman, "Let me in, I need water!" Sorry mate," said the doorman, "I can't let you in without a tie."

Question 63

Santa Pun

Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.

Question 64

Hide The Easter Egg Joke

Why did the Easter Egg hide?

118 HOLIDAY JOKES

What Do They Sing To Christmas Trees At The Retirement Parties

Why Do Santa's Helpers Get Depressed

Politics At Thanksgiving

Pumpkin Math

Clocks Go Back

A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun Joke

Ghost Sailor Halloween Joke

Helping A Person In Need.

Halloween Candy Joke

What Is Draculas Favorite Fruit Joke

Skeleton Go To School Joke

Where Does Dracula Get His Hair Cut Joke

Santa Claus Pun

Black Cat Bad Luck Joke

What Kind Of Key Opens A Haunted House?

Trick Or Treating With Twin Witches Joke

Declaration Of Independence Joke

Santa’s Favorite Singer Joke

Dracula's Favorite Breed Of Dog Joke

Monsters Favorite Play Joke

What Did Dracula Suffer From After Biting A Snowman Joke

What Do You Call Dracula When Hes Shopping For Bargains Joke

Christmas Flu

Demons And Ghouls Joke

Witch Trick Or Treating Joke

Witches Favorite School Subject Joke

Halloween Up All Night Joke

A Room Ghosts Avoid Joke

Easter Bunny Music Joke

Halloween Mummy Joke

Kissed By A Vampire Joke

Ghosts Are Terrible Liars Joke

Ghost Call Mom And Dad Joke

Witch At The Beach Joke

Skeleton Scary Movie Joke

Ghost In The Fog Joke

Ghost Favorite Place To Live Joke

Ghost Hockey Player Joke

Whats Draculas Favorite Streaming Service Joke

One Halloween Night....

Valentines Joke

Egg And Easter Bunny Joke

Easter Bunny Tail Joke

Halloween Party Ghost

Halloween Ghost Favorite Food Joke

Illiterate Witch Joke

Ghost Vacation Joke

Noisy Graveyard Joke

Calm Skeleton Joke

Vampire Breath Joke

National Holiday For A Nation Of Vampires Jokes

Ghost Vacation Destination Joke

Chrome Plate Joke

May Flowers Joke

Anti-clockwise Watch

Drunken Wrapper

Halloween Jack-O-Lantern Joke

Skeleton Halloween Joke

Monster Cooked Eggs Joke

Skeleton Travel Joke

Inside A Ghosts Nose Joke

Gotta Tie?

Santa Pun

Hide The Easter Egg Joke

Easter Bunny Hair Joke

Coworker Joke

Ghost's Favorite Dessert Halloween Joke

Ghost Wife Halloween Joke

Monster School Menu Joke

Demon Breakfast Joke

Zombies New House Joke

Jack-o-lantern And A Pumpkin Joke

Gang Of Ghosts Joke

Four Leaf Clover Joke

Day After Easter Joke

Halloween Skeleton Joke

Which Witch Watch Halloween Joke

Christmas Bakery Hideaway Joke

4th Of July Duck Joke