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A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
4. Stay away from prunes.
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
15. Never try to baptize a cat.
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" The doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
Five out of six people say Russian Roulette is safe.
Some People aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper!
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.
Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!