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I've Sure Gotten Old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

Roman Numerals

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

Yo Mama So Stupid Orange Juice

Yo mama's so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said "concentrate."

Yo Mama So Hairy

Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.

104 Years Old

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Where Are The Easter Egg

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

Begger

A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.

Hot Flight Attendant

A businessman in the first-class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?" Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir" Businessman: "Lovely name ... Any relation to Mercedes Benz?" Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close" Businessman: "How close?" Flight Attendant: "Same price."

Wife's Birthday?

My wife said I ruined her birthday! That's ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her Birthday?

Family Tree Joke

If I shook your family tree, how many nuts would fall out?

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