FART - FUNNY AND RIDICULOUS THINGS

Yo Momma is so fat that people thought she was a planet colliding with Earth.

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

What do farts and assassinations both have in common?

Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade.

There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today they had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?

Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson on the importance of learning from mistakes. She asked the class, "Can anyone give me an example of a mistake they learned from?" Little Johnny eagerly raised his hand. "I can, teacher!" "Okay, Johnny, please share your example." Johnny stood up and confidently began, "Last week, I was playing in the living room and my dad was watching a football game. I asked him where the remote was, and he told me it was next to the phone. So I went and picked up the phone, but I couldn't find the remote anywhere." The teacher, puzzled, asked, "So what was the mistake, Johnny?" Johnny grinned, "Well, it turns out my dad said 'phone', but what he actually meant was 'next to the couch'. I learned that sometimes parents don't say what they mean, and next time, I'll just look around more carefully!" The teacher laughed and said, "That's an interesting lesson, Johnny. But next time, try listening more carefully too!" Johnny nodded, "Sure, teacher. Or maybe I'll just keep the remote with me!"

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong. "What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok," she said. The man on the line said, "Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead." "Oh my goodness, what happened?" Shannon asked. The foreman replied, "He fell into a vat of beer." "Did he at least die quickly?" sobbed Shannon. The man paused, then said, "Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom."

What do you call a holy man who fries potatoes?

WIKIPEDIA: I know everything. GOOGLE: I have everything. FACEBOOK: I know everybody. INTERNET: You're all nothing without me. ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, that is true." "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?" "Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Why did the jar of Nutella break up with the peanut butter?

What did the panda order at Panda Express?

What did the good egg say to the bad egg?

Why do Santa's helpers get depressed?

What do they sing to Christmas trees at the retirement parties?

What do you call a broke Santa Claus?

Someone asked me, "Where did your sister go hunting?".  I said, "Alaska." He said, "Never mind I'll ask her myself!"