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Temperature Check Joke

Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!

Dark Spelled With A K

Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?

The Band

A student was in the percussion section of the band, and was not doing well. The band had a performance that night, and the conductor had an annoucement to make. The conductor said, "When a student is having trouble playing an instrument, we can give him two sticks and make him a percussionist, and let him play the drums, which---" The conductor was interrupted by a student in the back of the room who said, "And when that's too hard for him, we can take one of his sticks away, and make him a conductor!"

An Elderly Couple Driving Across The Country Joke

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!" Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met." Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"

Two Blondes Go Hunting

Two blondes went out into the woods on a hunting trip. They are out there for several hours, and discover that they are lost! One says, "I heard that if you're lost in the woods, you fire three shots in the air, and wait for someone to come and rescue you." "Ok," says her pal, "let's do it." So they did, and waited to be rescued, but no-one came to their aid, so after an hour, they fired three more shots in the air, and waited again. It's nearly dark by now, and one says to the other, "I hope someone comes soon, we're down to our last three arrows."

Stunning Girlfriend Joke

The guy next to me on the train pointed to a photograph and said "This is my girlfriend, isn't she beautiful?" "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife," says I. "Why is she stunning?" "No, she's an optician!"

Why Did The Thief Wear Blue Gloves?

Why did the thief wear blue gloves?

Why Did The Squirrel Cross The Road

Why did the squirrel cross the road?

Moving Fast

As you get older, you've gotta stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

Headless Horseman Halloween Joke

Why did the headless horseman start his own business?

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