50 POLITICAL JOKES

Joke: FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome! SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. JAPANESE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to. EUROPEAN FEDERALISM You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job. EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price. FINNISH SOCIALISM You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.

Joke: Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And Donald Trump can't tell the difference."

Joke: If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. If a woman became president, what would you call her husband?

Joke: When White man found this land, Indians were running it. No Taxes... No Debt... Plenty of Buffalo... Plenty of beaver! Women did most (all) of the work. Medicine Man was free! Indian men hunted and fished all the time! Only White man is dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.

Joke: A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area... and I'm sorry, they all turned me down."

Joke: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

Joke: An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries. The American says "In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!" The North Korean doesn't blink and says "Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close."

Joke: Donald Trump, Barack Obama, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Trump has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Trump wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Donal Trump laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Donald Trump thought, 'Barack put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' Barack Obama thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Trump again.'

Joke: I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Joke: Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out in November.