«
1
2
...
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
...
189
190
»

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

Life Before A Computer Joke

A memory was something you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider home. A virus was the flu. A cd was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy... you just hoped nobody found out.

Sick With A Wee Cough Joke

I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Old Married Couple Joke

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Sushi Talking To Bee's Joke

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Taking My New Girlfriend To Meet My Parents Joke

My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Quit Drinking Joke

My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Killing Flies Joke

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

David Hasselhoff Walked Into A Bar Joke

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."

Shared Amazon Account Joke

What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?

«
1
2
...
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
...
189
190
»