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Joke:

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I should have never taken a couple days off.

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Joke:

I bought a book on anti-gravity and just can't seem to put it down.

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Joke:

Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".

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Joke:

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Punchline
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Joke:

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me!

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Joke:

Today I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.

Punchline
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Joke:

I need to re-home a dog. It's small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over the neighbor's fence and get it for you.

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Joke:

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi! Where am I?", to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot. "The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?"

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Joke:

My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself.

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