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Shrinking Man See's A Doctor

A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."

What Do You Call A Cat That Sucks Lemons?

What do you call a cat that sucks lemons?

Deep Dark Secrets

Little Johnny was told by a friend that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Well then Johnny, come give daddy a hug."

Memory Loss

Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down. That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" the curious wife asks. "To the kitchen." "Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there?" "Sure. What?" "I'd like some ice cream please." The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, "Shouldn't you write it down?" "Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that." "Wait. I just remembered. I want strawberries on it too. Shouldn't you write it down? I'm not sure you can remember all of that." "I told you, I've got it. So you want ice cream with strawberries on top? "Yes. And oh! I'd like some whipped cream too if we have some. Are you sure you don't want to write that down?" The husband is irritated now. "Yes! You want ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! Geez!" He walks off into the kitchen muttering to himself. Twenty minutes later, the husband comes out of the kitchen with a plate of bacon and eggs, which he places in front of her. She just kind of stares at it for a minute, then looks up at him. "Where's my toast?"

Fart Just One Time Joke

Sometimes, When you are happy... no one sees your smile... When you cry ... no one sees your tears... But fart just one time!

Eleven Inch Pianist Joke

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink. The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?" The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry." The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The guy says, "Do you really think I asked for an eleven-inch pianist?"

Wedding Joke

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

My Wife Made It Joke.

The graveyard service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

A Guy Sits Down At The Bar Joke

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

Farting Russian

What do you call a farting Russian?

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