60 RELIGIOUS JOKES

Joke: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist?

Joke: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!". "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

Joke: Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Joke: Three guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral. The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer." The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives." The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Joke: "Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?" "Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"

Joke: A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Joke: An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Joke: A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Joke: One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?" "Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

Joke: An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."